Time

Ever since I was in my early 20s I have been obsessed with age. I was very focused on what I wanted to achieve and when I wanted to achieve it by. I was going to spend my 20s building my career and living in the city. My 30s were when I would buy a nice house and settle down. 

I was, and still am, worried I wouldn't meet my goals by my self-imposed time scale. I get really stressed and anxious that I would not get to where I want to be in time.  The constant feeling of pressure I put on myself is stifling and if anything is stopping me from getting anywhere.

I got pregnant when I was 21 it was completely unplanned. I decided to keep the baby. There was a really feeling that I had ruined everything and I knew family were disappointed, as I had “such promise” and had what looked to be a bright future ahead.

I spent my 20s being a single mum and dealing with serious illness in my family and my plans and goals were well and truly derailed.

I saw all my friends getting on in their careers, settling down and buying houses and I felt like giving up as they were all moving forward and I was still and stagnant. This is something I still struggle with especially now I am in my early 30s.

I was at a hen party recently and I didn’t know anyone apart from the bride to be. There were over 20 people and I already felt uncomfortable.  Everyone was talking about getting married, buying houses and moving up the career ladder.  I tried my best to keep asking questions so they didn’t get the chance to ask me about me about myself.  I felt an overwhelming sense of failure as I wasn’t “there” yet.

I took a step back from the situation and thought that this is real life Facebook. People are just giving an edited highlight reel of their lives to people they haven’t met before. I just assumed because they appear to have it all in my eyes that they must have happy perfect lives.

I know a lot of it for me is about other people’s perception of me rather than some burning desire to get married, for example. On some level I have always wanted to fit in and be accepted.  I just want what everyone appears to have, a “normal” stable life, something I felt I never had.

I am trying not get hung up on what I should be doing or have done by now trying to focus on what I have achieved and not what everyone else is doing and what people are thinking. I need to think about what I want and how to achieve it in a realistic time scale. I also need to practice being more present in the moment and stop worrying about the future as all we really have is now.