I can't believe it has been so long since my last blog post! Time seems to have slipped away from me.
I have learnt a lot about myself over the last 10 months. I have started seeing clients on my placement at College and I feel I am finally begining to get somewhere. It took a while for my placement to get started and I was really worried that I was so behind compared to everyone else in the class. There were people who had done nearly half their required hours when I had done hardly any.
I got off to a shaky start and really doubted myself. Now things are going well. I mentioned my reservations to my supervisor. She said when she was traing she was one of the last to get going with placements. The other people who had done loads of hours ended up burning out and not finishing the course.
It is an important lesson, life is not a race. I am always comparing myself to others, I need to invest that time and energy into myself.
Mental Health Blog
Friday 5 October 2018
Friday 15 December 2017
Life
I have been absent for quite a while, sorry about that! Life has been ticking along and lots of positive things have happened. I have also had moments of crippling anxiety and total despair, those moments have been suffocating and agonising. I somehow made it through them even though at the time t felt like I never would. There is always hope, you just need to cling on to it. I am thinking of trying medication again to see if it helps with my extreme mood swings and paralysing anxiety. I am hoping the 2018 will be the year I finally get ahold of my mental health and feel some level of 'normality'. I also hope I will finally feel able to deal with situations in a more rational and reasonable frame of mind. Anyway, just thought I would check in, I hope everyone have a lovely Christmas and a happy and healthy 2018! 😊
Friday 14 July 2017
Toxic Friends
I
have been thinking a lot about friendships and their impact on mental health
and how having a good support network is vital. I have come to the realization
that I tend to attract a certain type of person and I really want to break that
habit.
The
kind of person I mean is the one that leaves you feeling emotionally drained
after spending time with them. They suck
all of the energy out of you and all they have done is talk. They will often
talk over you and quickly bring the conversation back to them. They basically use you as a sounding board.
It occurred to me recently that I know several people like this. I often come
away from these interactions thinking this friendship is really one-sided. I
need to start being more selective regarding my friendships if I am going to
feel the friendship is equal.
I
know we all need to just rant at sometimes I do this myself. I think dealing
with depression and anxiety relationships that are one-sided can be detrimental
to your health. When feeling overwhelmed by dealing with your own issues social
interactions need to be enjoyable and as stress free as possible, especially if
you deal with social anxiety. Such
relationships tend to take advantage not only of your time, but often in other
ways too. Only contacting you when they want something, asking for favours and
not reciprocating etc.
I
understand that in my training as a counsellor I am going to come across people
who present in this way, and in a professional setting I would do my best to
help them. From personal experience it is apparent that these interactions are
often a signal that they too are struggling in their own way and often do have
unhappy lives. I am not unsympathetic
but I need to surround myself with more positive people. It is better to have
less people around rather than filling the friendship void with negative people.
Friday 30 June 2017
Time
Ever since I was in my
early 20s I have been obsessed with age. I was very focused on what I
wanted to achieve and when I wanted to achieve it by. I was going to spend my
20s building my career and living in the city. My 30s were when I would buy a
nice house and settle down.
I was, and still am, worried I wouldn't
meet my goals by my self-imposed time scale. I get really stressed and anxious
that I would not get to where I want to be in time. The constant feeling of pressure I put on
myself is stifling and if anything is stopping me from getting anywhere.
I got pregnant when I was 21 it was
completely unplanned. I decided to keep the baby. There was a really feeling
that I had ruined everything and I knew family were disappointed, as I had
“such promise” and had what looked to be a bright future ahead.
I spent my 20s being a single mum and
dealing with serious illness in my family and my plans and goals were well and
truly derailed.
I saw all my friends getting on in their
careers, settling down and buying houses and I felt like giving up as they were
all moving forward and I was still and stagnant. This is something I still
struggle with especially now I am in my early 30s.
I was at a hen
party recently and I didn’t know anyone apart from the bride to be. There were
over 20 people and I already felt uncomfortable. Everyone was talking about getting married,
buying houses and moving up the career ladder.
I tried my best to keep asking questions so they didn’t get the chance
to ask me about me about myself. I felt
an overwhelming sense of failure as I wasn’t “there” yet.
I took a step
back from the situation and thought that this is real life Facebook. People are
just giving an edited highlight reel of their lives to people they haven’t met
before. I just assumed because they appear to have it all in my eyes that they
must have happy perfect lives.
I know a lot of
it for me is about other people’s perception of me rather than some burning
desire to get married, for example. On some level I have always wanted to fit
in and be accepted. I just want what
everyone appears to have, a “normal” stable life, something I felt I never had.
I am trying not
get hung up on what I should be doing or have done by now trying to focus on
what I have achieved and not what everyone else is doing and what people are
thinking. I need to think about what I want and how to achieve it in a realistic
time scale. I also need to practice being more present in the moment and stop
worrying about the future as all we really have is now.
Tuesday 6 June 2017
Update
I have attempted to start writing this post
several times. My head just hasn’t been “in it” so to speak. A member of my family has been dealing with serious health issues recently and it has really
brought things into perspective. I know this isn’t a
proper post but I wanted to keep you
updated. I will get back to blogging soon.
Sunday 30 April 2017
Social Media
Your heart rate increases and the
adrenaline kicks in, you feel the excitement and anticipation build as you
reach for your phone which has just buzzed with acknowledgment, a new Facebook
message, a Like on Twitter and a new Snap chat to view.
There is an increasing need for constant
and instant gratification. Which isn’t
good for mental health. The pain of knowing someone has read your message yet
they appear to be actively ignoring you. If like me, your mind tends to run
away with you then this can be detrimental. In reality the person in question
may have a perfectly reasonable
explanation to why they haven’t responded.
If
you are on social media you are potentially accessible 24/7 there is no down
time unless you actively log out and turn off your device. It is good to have
that time away from observing other
people and what they are doing.
There is a false sense of reality which
many people portray, the perfect highlight reel of an immaculate life, filled
with family, friends and fun. Every moment documented, and filled with smiles
and joy.
This is one of the reasons I hardly ever
use Facebook (or Fakebook as I like to
call it !) It is so false, surely no-one’s life is that good all of the
time. It can be depressing to see everyone
doing so well and being so happy that your sense of self worth and self esteem
take a nosedive and are slowly obliterated.
There is also Cyber bullying , this ties in
with what I was talking about earlier. This does not just affect kids and young
people but they do seem to be primary targets. The fact people are accessible
all the time. If you were getting bullied at school for example you could at
least have a break overnight while you were at home, there was a little bit of
respite. But now with most people having access to social media on their phones
then the bullies are potentially always with them.
I do not think all social media is bad, but
you need to have a balance and a reality check.
There is a lot of support online for mental health, twitter in
particular has a supportive mental health community. This can be invaluable if
you don’t feel able to talk to those closest to you or you just don’t feel able
to get out and about. Having someone to talk to who more often than not
understands how you are feeling can be really helpful.
I am aware of the irony that I will use social media to share this blog post. I
think that when your mental health is
involved you need to be careful about how you use social media as it could do
more harm than good.
Sunday 12 March 2017
Criticism
Not everyone is going to like what you do, this is a
realization that I am finally having. Since starting this blog I hadn’t written
anything for four years. Partly due to being busy with work, family etc but
mostly due to the fact I was scared. The fear has been stifling my creativity. I am not very good at taking criticism,
depending on my mood at the time I fluctuate between defensive and devastated.
If
you grew up being criticized or bullied then these feelings can become
engrained, the nagging sense that no matter how hard you try you won’t be good
enough.
I still struggle with it now. I go into
panic mode and worry about getting everything right so much so that it is
detrimental. I will spend too long trying to perfect something and get told off
for taking too long. I make a rash decision and it ends up being wrong because
I didn't want to take too long, when in fact I should have thought it through.
Even what would appear to be simple tasks can feel like trying to climb
Everest. I recognise it is ridiculous, I
am often having that rational internal dialogue whilst fighting with myself
trying not to fail.
Being a people pleaser is my default
setting, I don’t like conflict and want to get on with everyone all the time.
This is not realistic I know. I am trying to be braver and take criticism constructively
and to stand up for myself and not just conform to keep the peace. I hope one
day I will be able to function without second guessing every decision I make,
I’m working on it, I guess you just have to keep trying and eventually you will
overcome the hurdle.
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